SIX SECRETS TO SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY
Sexual compatibility has become the holy grail of relationship success. I see so many couples who end up best friends, love each other, but have no sexual chemistry. The key to finding a partner who is sexually compatible is in knowing yourself. Knowing who you are as an erotic being, what your true sexual nature is, and living it unapologetically and authentically. That can take a little personal work to get to.
That’s why I wrote the book Erotic Integrity
Impediments to sexual compatibility include, not in any particular order, differing kinky proclivities. If you’re both dominant that may not work. A dom needs a sub. And therein also lay many variations of ‘play’ preferences such as bondage, spanking, degree of submission…
Some people describe themselves as asexual, having little or no sexual attraction to others. Obviously such a person would only match well with another asexual person.
The degree of intimacy (as in “into-me-you-see”, vulnerability, self revealing) one can tolerate is a big predictor of sexual compatibility. If one of you wants to engage with deep eye contact and the other finds that threatening, this will create distance and reduce the level of eroticism accessible.
Lights on or off? While sex in the dark can be exciting, keeping the lights off due to poor body image or other causes of self-consciousness can attenuate the sexiness of the event and reduce it to functional sex.
I call functional sex when the penis goes in the vagina, you wiggle it around, somebody has an orgasm, and it’s all over, leaving partners with the illusion that their sex life works. The bar is low. I want more for you.
Monogamy or non-monogamy tends to be a dealbreaker in the sexual compatibility department. It’s one or the other.
Expectations around orgasms can be challenging to navigate. If one person has an expectation that the other will provide an orgasm, that’s a bit of a set up, as well as an unempowered stance. If one partner has an expectation that the penis involved be the sole source of orgasm (an outdated notion) that is very limiting. Other expectations may include multiple orgasms from a partner who only cums once, with a vibrator. Some people are quite happy not having orgasms at all and “cultivating desire” as a former lover of mine used to say.
Sexual compatibility requires open dialog, self awareness and accountability, a willingness to move through awkwardness towards bliss.
Sometimes couples start off compatible, and things change. Built up resentments, changing appetites and preferences, menopause, hurt feelings, things unsaid. These can generally be resolved with some help. That’s what I do.
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I’m raising my fees Feb 1, to keep up with the cost of living. If you’d like to book sessions before then, I encourage you to do so. My current fees are as follows: fees until Feb 1, 2024.
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