Dr Claudia Six

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Coming Out Day

 

Coming out is a principle of Erotic Integrity. The full gay slang term is “coming out of the closet,” which has become a commonly used metaphor for living one’s sexuality openly.

It can be an internal process or a public declaration, a verbal statement, a rite of passage, or, unfortunately, an ordeal.

It can be motivated by shame or pride or can engender a social stigma. You can be “out” or “in the closet.”

I’m using the term “coming out” to mean openly declaring something about yourself as a sexual being that you have previously kept hidden. It doesn’t pertain only to sexual orientation and gender issues; it can apply to any aspect of one’s sexuality that may not fit the norm, thus triggering trepidation and fear of rejection.

Being gay is an obvious example. Others might include coming out as having a particular fetish (leather, bondage, feet), exhibiting certain sexual proclivities (spanking, exhibitionism, a predilection for sex toys), experiencing sexual limitations (being preorgasmic, cumming too soon, difficulty lubricating), or desire to drop a chaste public image (being a sex worker, getting a visible piercing or tattoo).

Today is National Coming Out Day (NCOD), which is an annual civil awareness day observed internationally to recognize members of the LGBTQ+ community. I’m broadening the scope of that celebration.

When you are in Erotic Integrity, you are willing to be seen and known for who you are as a sexual being. This involves honesty and openness yet may require that you be judicious regarding whom you reveal yourself to, and that you consider what the cost might be and the relationships it might enhance.

If you’re a guy who’s married and you like to cross-dress, coming out and owning your Erotic Integrity may involve telling your wife—if you forgot to mention it before you married or hadn’t discovered it yet.

If you like to practice flogging, you might want to join a local BDSM club and put the word out to find similarly intentioned submissives. (BDSM stands for “bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism” and the wide range of sexual behaviors that involve power play and the exchange of such energy.)

This is about coming out with parameters that make you feel safe and that keep you in alignment with your own integrity. You don’t need to take out an announcement in the paper. Some people cannot come out to their families as gay, for example, because they fear they will be rejected.

A guideline I offer is to come out to those people you want to be known by, and where you feel that there is room for authenticity. I’m not suggesting this will always, or ever, be easy. When your sexuality deviates from the culturally accepted norm, it’s scary because there’s an inherent risk that you’ll be rejected.

If you’d like to read more about Erotic Integrity, check out my book.

Living Together Before Marriage: Expectations vs. Reality

Expectation: You’ll spend so much more time together.

Reality: While this isn’t entirely untrue—after all, clocking a solid eight hours lying next to each other in bed each night counts for something!—you might envision a whole lot more date nights in your horizon. But Claudia Six, clinical sexologist, relationship coach and author, points out that this likely won’t be the case. “It’s when you live together that you might actually most need ‘me’ time, time without your beloved,” she explains. “It’s important to have things that you do for you: your own friends, your own hobbies, your own exercise routine. Otherwise you lose your sense of who you.” Remember, a good balance of work, friends, family and, of course, intimate nights that are about just the two of you, is key to a happy relationship. And, as Dr. Six notes, absence makes the heart grow fonder…

Expectation: You’ll lose your independence and freedom.

Reality: Dr. Six notes that it’s more common for men to have this fear than women, but both genders can experience a fear of losing their individuality and free time. “Freedom represents different things to different people,” she says. “It might be the option of playing pool and having a couple of beers with friends, on short notice, playing guitar in the basement until late at night, or sitting in their underwear watching TV and eating tortilla chips.” For others, it might mean reading a favorite book at night in silence, without the sound of guitar blasting friends yelling. To to find a happy medium, it’s important to continue doing the things that make you individually happy. “This way you bring your happy self home to your significant other, who hopefully is bringing their happy self home too,” says Dr. Six. “Then you can talk about your day and the things you’ve done while you were apart.”

Expectation: Your tastes in style and decor will fuse together effortlessly.

Reality: Chances are, this won’t be the case. Maybe you’ve envisioned a coral-toned, aquarium-inspired bathroom decor and he’s dead set on keeping his red shaggy bath rug and Giants logo-clad shower curtain. “What we often see happen is that she takes over because she has ‘better taste’ and ‘a woman’s touch,’ leaving him feeling disregarded and unseen, a stranger in his own home,” says Dr. Six. “It might sound sexist, but in my 25 years of couples counseling this is what I hear.” Her solution? Discuss decor ahead of time and come to an agreement about who will decorate each area of your shared home. “If he is attached to his barcalounger, you need to make room for it. And if she has a favorite dresser from her grandmother, that doesn’t match anything, you need to find a special place for it,” she explains. “In order to set yourself up for success, you need to agree on how the physical space is used and adorned.” You can also set up your wedding registry to decorate your home together—and get rid of old stuff in favor of the new.

Read full article by Jenn Sinrich in Wedding Wire

What to Do If You and Your Partner Disagree Over Wedding Planning

Disagreements and arguments are normal—even healthy—aspects of any relationship. That’s especially true when you’re dealing with something as stressful as planning a wedding.

Make a list.

A helpful strategy is to rate each item on your list on a scale of one to ten (ten being a very strong preference) to show its importance to you, suggests Claudia Six, Ph.D., clinical sexologist and relationship coach. For example: “I want my ex-wife’s parents to attend, and that’s an eight for me. I feel pretty strongly about it.” The other person may say: “My objection to your ex-wife’s parents being there is a two, so let’s invite them.” You rate your preferences and go with the highest rated option.

Read full article by Jenn Sinrich in Martha Stewart Weddings

I’m in Best of SF in San Francisco Magazine!!

Along with the tastiest taco, the greatest garage, the craftiest cocktail, and other bites, shops, bars, services that make living here all worth the trouble: best sex therapist in the North Bay!

“Congratulations! You are the best! We are honored to count you among our Best Of winners for 2017.”

Paul Reulbach, Publisher, San Francisco magazine.

2017 Best of San Francisco Magazine Winner

Things Every Couple Argues About—and How to Avoid Them

-Infidelity: In my office I tell people that “there’s no bad guy in cheating”. It’s a hard sell, I know. But by that I mean that both members of the couple contribute to the relationship dynamic that led to one of them having an affair. The one who has been cheated on is not to blame, but an empowered stance is to examine what they could have done differently. This avoids them feeling like a victim, and can help in the future…in the same relationship or in the next one.

-Loss of sexual desire: There are as many causes of decreased sexual desire as there are people. I won’t list them all, but there’s a whole chapter on that in my book, Erotic Integrity. One distinction I offer is the difference between desire and arousal. The heavy breathing, contorting and lubrication, that is arousal. That comes later. Desire is the willingness to get started, to engage your partner sexually. We can come to desire from 3 places: our crotch, that horny, throbbing loins feeling. Or we can come to it from our hearts, out of love feelings for our mate. Or from our head, because sex would be a good idea, and would have us feeling closer. Too often people think they have no desire because they’re not horny. That’s shortsighted. (I have a video on this on my website)

–Traumatic life events, such as the death of a parent, cancer, the loss of a job: Life happens and when it does you need to circle the wagons and make sure that you and your spouse unite rather than break apart. You must focus on staying bonded, holding and supporting each other, and talking about it rather than alienating each other. Life will kick you in the butt, but you must be a united front in the face of it.

–Boredom: I don’t believe that it really exists. It has been my experience that when people complain of boredom what is really happening is that they’re experiencing uncomfortable feelings that they don’t really want to feel. So the brain does this nifty bypass around pain and goes straight to boredom. If you feel bored, ask yourself what emotional pain you might be avoiding. Are you feeling sad, guilty, trapped, disconnected? Seek the help of a therapist to get to the bottom of what is ailing you. You can then move through it and feel more alive and engaged.

-Chores/division of labor: Feeling unsupported around household chores is a very common predicament among couples. I recommend making a list of what needs to happen and how often, and each person assigning themselves tasks. And committing to them. Whatever does not get done, or whatever tasks do not get claimed, hire them out. If it means a housecleaner coming once a month to do the dirtiest work, it is cheaper than divorce. Cooking: order in once a week, and make a big dish that provide left overs for several nights. There are simple solutions to these problems if you don’t get upset and make a mountain out of a molehill. And everybody does their own laundry, even the kids. Come on, it’s easy.

 

Tips for Making Your First Wedding Anniversary Memorable

Dance your first dance together.

You know, that special one you probably practiced hundreds of times before the big day—crank up the music and hit that dance floor all over again (even if, this time, it’s in your 400-square-foot apartment). “Better yet, have it on your iPhone and surprise your spouse by playing it when he or she least expects it,” Claudia Six, Ph.D., clinical sexologist, relationship coach, and author of Erotic Integrity: How To Be True To Yourself Sexually suggests. “You can do this in a park, on the beach, on the street, anywhere. Super romantic!”

read full MarthaStewartWeddings article here

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