I’ve been saying for years that it’s never about sex. So recently I changed my tagline.
Let me explain. People think that sex is easy, happens naturally, and that when there’s a glitch, it’s about the sex. The problem isn’t getting the penis into the vagina (assuming a hetero model for the sake of this conversation). The problem is the humans attached to those penises and vaginas.
What gums up the works is the way that people get in their own way, the faulty beliefs they have about themselves, the ineffective communication, the built up resentments, the fears and insecurities, unspoken desires, shame…
For example if you have a faulty belief/story/trigger about how there’s no room for your needs, based on childhood in your family of origin. Whether or not it’s accurate, it’s a belief you have about yourself. Then you apply that faulty belief to sex. It stands to reason, right? At the beginning it’s all new, about making a good impression on your new lover. You don’t ask, convey, communicate what you need, because you can’t. You end up having less than satisfactory sex. Your partner has no idea. Eventually you get less and less out of it, and you’re less inclined to engage in it. It looks like low desire. Distance is created. You lover doesn’t understand, maybe feels inadequate, neglected, unappreciated, not desired… Maybe they have a faulty belief about not being good enough, for example. It looks like poor communication, maybe.
Because you can’t ask for what you need, you can’t discuss it. Maybe it’s easier to blame the other and make them wrong than be vulnerable. Distance widens. Resentments builds.
You get the gist.
It’s not about sex. It’s about the bigger picture of how these people show up in the world.
Faulty beliefs are unconscious and they make decisions for us. That’s where I start the work. It’s not about sex.
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