Today’s blog is going to be a departure from my usual SIX tips for this, SIX reasons why that. DESIRE VERSUS AROUSAL is a topic that seems to be up a lot these days for my clients. So I thought I’d write about that.
The popular media are forever confusing the two. I define desire as the willingness to get started, to move toward your partner sexually, to engage them erotically. You can come to desire from three places. The first place is the most obvious: your crotch. This is where you feel horny, your libido, ‘throbbing loins’ as I call them. When we’re young, we have throbbing loins more often. Less so when we’re older—especially for women. Men have testosterone, so they tend to experience more throbbing loins. There is nothing wrong with that – it’s just different biochemistry. The second place you can feel desire is a little higher up: your heart. This feels different than throbbing loins. It stems from your feelings for your lover. You want to feel close to them, experience pleasure with them, smell them, wrap your legs around them. The third place you can feel desire is higher yet; it’s your head. In fact, it’s not a feeling at all. It’s a thought: “It would be a good idea for us to have sex.” You may not be horny, or particularly lovey, but you acknowledge to yourself that it’d be good for the relationship for you and your partner to be sexual. It would make you feel closer, more in sync, more harmonious.
It doesn’t matter if one person comes from their crotch and the other from their head. You can also come from a combination of crotch, head, and heart. Desire is about getting started. The crotch will catch up; that’s the arousal part.
Knowing the difference is part of your Erotic Integrity®.
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