Boring Sex
There’s no such thing as sexual boredom. When sex gets boring in a relationship, it’s usually because uncomfortable feelings are coming up that people don’t want to feel. The brain does this nifty trick of bypassing uncomfortable feelings and going straight to “boredom.”
We tell ourselves that we are experiencing sexual boredom so we don’t have to feel. Sexual boredom isn’t pleasant, but it’s better than the alternative.
Sexual Boredom
When couples come to me complaining of sexual boredom, my antennae go up. I know that boredom in the bedroom can be about a variety of things, but it’s generally not what they think. It has more to do with sexual and relationship satisfaction.
“Sexual boredom” has become a catch-all term for what ails those who have lost interest in their sex life with their regular partner in a long term relationship and are experiencing sexual dissatisfaction.
Sexual Dissatisfaction
Sexual dissatisfaction can mask unresolved conflict, power struggles, laundry lists of resentments, low libido, physical aftereffects from childbirth, depression, complacency, unsatisfactory birth control, feeling unappreciated, fear of rejection, lack of sexual novelty, lack of confidence, lack of emotional connection, medical issues or other such vulnerabilities. It is the result of stagnant energy. Sexual energy is part of life energy, and when it doesn’t move, listlessness sets in.
If not a Boring Sex Life, then What?
Why am I writing about sexual boredom if there’s no such thing? It’s because the perception of it is very real. It’s what people think is ailing them when they contact me and is a prevalent complaint in sex therapists’ offices.
A popular practice among folks with an active sex life is to break emotional contact with their partner when they make physical contact because they get anxious, even though they’re not always aware of this. They endeavor to retreat into their physical sensations to enhance their sexual satisfaction. Unfortunately, this is misguided and backfires, leading to the alleged “boredom.” Tuning out your lover decreases eroticism and intimacy, and increases dissatisfaction.
In my clinical experience “boredom” is a cue to grow yourself emotionally – and relationally, so that you can enjoy your sex life again with your partner; to step into the emotional unknown and take a risk, whatever that may look like.
What Should I do if I feel like Sex is Getting Boring?
Look into your lover’s eyes during sex, have a “state of the union” conversation about your sex life together, experience new things and reveal more of yourself. Being able to settle and explore your emotional discomfort facilitates expression, which in turn supports trust and commitment in your marriage or relationship.
“Boredom” is the canary in the coalmine of intimacy and connection. It indicates that something is wrong and you need to pay attention. When you show up for yourself and allow yourself to feel what you haven’t allowed yourself to feel, you automatically show up for your lover too, making real contact and passion possible, and exchanging energy.
SUE AND SAM
A couple who was experiencing boring sex
Sue called me for an appointment, quite distressed: there was no chemistry between her and Sam after five years together. She was beating herself up: “I’m not attracted to him. Something is wrong with me. I’m bad, I’m broken.”
Sam didn’t want to string him along. She was at a crossroads in her marriage, and was debating whether to stay in it or divorce.
I recommended that, if he was willing, they come in together. He was willing to step out of his comfort zone; he wanted to have the conversation that would make their relationship work and the problem fixed.
Sue and Sam consult with Dr. Six, sex therapist
During their first session with me, they recounted their relationship history: Sam had met Sue on Match.com and found her to be “very real.” Now in their mid-forties, this was a second marriage for both of them and they’d now been married two years.
Sam described to me the sex that they had been having as unfulfilling and infrequent, and he had given up asking his wife for it because there was no point. Sue conceded in that first session that she had been meting out a weekly mercy fuck (having sex perfunctorily, out of obligation, and putting very little into it, and subsequently getting very little pleasure out of it, which can feel like sexual boredom).
I strongly recommended they stop the mercy fucks, heartbreaking as they are to both parties involved. They could do better to increase satisfaction.
A distinct lack of sexual satisfaction
They had moved to California from Texas after a year together, but Sue resented Sam for adjusting and creating a life for himself more easily than she did.
Sam was frustrated in the face of her negativity and insecurity, but after a time he proposed marriage to demonstrate that he wasn’t going to leave her and to appease her mother’s disapproval of their “living in sin.” Our initial session had them realizing that they had pushed some of their underlying problems aside.
The origins of Sue and Sam’s sexual boredom
At the beginning of their relationship, Sue had thought that Sam was “too nice.” She had a history of depression, abusive relationships with bad boys, and ambivalence about relationships. She had grieved the loss of two siblings in recent years and felt cheated by life and abandoned by her brothers.
Sue’s father, a charismatic, cheating salesman whom her mother divorced when Sue was eight years old, was a turbulent and manipulative man. Her mother, who came from an alcoholic, incestuous family, was emotionally fragile though affectionate with Sue.
When her mother remarried a man with several kids, the step-kids struggled under the new household arrangement, so Sue got shunted off to live with her father. She felt disregarded.
The history of Sue’s Sexual Satisfaction (or lack thereof)
From the age of fifteen onward she always had a boyfriend and had sex with them “as a means to prevent men from leaving,” she told me. She’d always felt guilty for having sex, and never enjoyed it. “Sex was pure obligation.” There was nothing exciting about it.
By contrast, Sam’s family history was much less chaotic. His parents were high school sweethearts who married young and were still happily together. His mother was “the most supportive person in the world”; his father was a “loyal family guy” who worked two jobs, one in a grocery store and one at a golf course bar. His father’s need for control had at times caused Sam to not feel valued. But all in all, it was a “very wholesome childhood.”
Sam described himself as a skinny, nerdy teenager who had blossomed into an athlete and successful retail chain manager. He strove to do well.
Sex Therapy at Work
At the beginning of our work together, Sue was sad and afraid to lose a good thing, though she didn’t see how she could continue to be in relationship with someone she was no longer attracted to and with whom she found their sex life boring. Their emotional dynamic, painful as it was, made perfect sense; it always does.
Sam felt hopeless about his inability to make Sue happy, didn’t feel valued, and took her sexual rejection personally. He pulled away from her when he experienced her as negative and not displaying any sexual desire. She, in turn, took his rejection personally as it triggered her sense of being flawed and disregarded. If he was distant, it must be because something was wrong with her. And since a typical pattern in relationships is that when one person is triggered, the other gets triggered, these two spent much of their time quietly triggered and resentful. (That’s not sexual boredom, that’s being unconsciously reactive.)
In their routine sex life, as soon as Sam started to kiss Sue’s neck, her wall went up. Her thought was, based on her sexual history of having sex out of obligation and her fear of rejection, “There’s nothing in this for me.” She cried as she acknowledged this. Though she might have been agreeing to intercourse, she was not present. She had been trained in her family of origin to put her needs aside, and this self-abandonment had led her to depression, resentment, and lack of self-awareness. She thought that saying no to Sam sexually was standing up for herself. I commented that her understanding of the dynamics at play was a step in the right direction, but that truly standing up for herself would involve her claiming her eroticism for herself first, and feeling solid enough to be able to offer that to him without losing her Self. I suggested that standing up for herself with Erotic Integrity would be for her to claim and celebrate her own juiciness; lying under him to prop up his ego and assuage her fear of abandonment would merely perpetuate the gulf between them.
Helping Sue and Sam Get to Sexual and Relationship Satisfaction
After a few months of weekly sessions, getting clear about her contribution to the problem, and contemplating alternatives, Sue reported that she was feeling more intimately connected for the first time ever. She was becoming less passive and more present in her body. Women who don’t know themselves and haven’t yet developed a strong sense of self often fantasize about being taken because they find it much easier to let someone “take” them. This validates their desirability without requiring them to feel vulnerable, to be an active participant, or to create a sexual, fully embodied experience with a lover. Sue was becoming a more active and responsive participant. She learned to withstand having her eyes open rather than closed and focused on contact with Sam rather than shutting him out in order to just focus on her physical sensations. Allowing herself to even think this way this took Erotic Integrity.
When we got into the nitty-gritty of their lovemaking, there were plenty of feelings taking place there too, but not much love.
When Sam kissed Sue, not feeling confident in his ability to pleasure her, she received the kiss feeling insecure. This muddied things up, though nothing of it was spoken.
During foreplay, they would touch each other’s genitals, but the way they talked about it made it sound as though it was meat touching skin; there was no exchange of energy, no real contact made.
This can certainly feel like boredom. But what looked like boredom on the surface was actually a mutual sense of alienation underneath.
In their routine sex life, as soon as Sam started to kiss Sue’s neck, her wall went up. Her thought was, based on her sexual history of having sex out of obligation and her fear of rejection, “There’s nothing in this for me.” She cried as she acknowledged this. Though she might have been agreeing to intercourse, she was not present. She had been trained in her family of origin to put her needs aside, and this self-abandonment had led her to depression, resentment, and lack of self-awareness. She thought that saying no to Sam sexually was standing up for herself. I commented that her understanding of the dynamics at play was a step in the right direction, but that truly standing up for herself would involve her claiming her eroticism for herself first, and feeling solid enough to be able to offer that to him without losing her Self. I suggested that standing up for herself with Erotic Integrity would be for her to claim and celebrate her own juiciness; lying under him to prop up his ego and assuage her fear of abandonment would merely perpetuate the gulf between them.
After a few months of weekly sessions, getting clear about her contribution to the problem, and contemplating alternatives, Sue reported that she was feeling more intimately connected for the first time ever. She was becoming less passive and more present in her body. Women who don’t know themselves and haven’t yet developed a strong sense of self often fantasize about being taken because they find it much easier to let someone “take” them. This validates their desirability without requiring them to feel vulnerable, to be an active participant, or to create a sexual, fully embodied experience with a lover. Sue was becoming a more active and responsive participant. She learned to withstand having her eyes open rather than closed and focused on contact with Sam rather than shutting him out in order to just focus on her physical sensations. Allowing herself to even think this way this took Erotic Integrity.
A New Approach to becoming Sexually Satisfied
Her new approach to sex enabled her to get much more aroused, thus shifting her initial complaint regarding a “lack of chemistry.” In letting Sam see her in her aroused state, she was creating a more authentic sexual connection with him. On an emotional level, she was lowering her walls, opening herself up to her partner, and in so doing, opening herself up to the possibility that she was worthy of receiving love. It wasn’t easy, but it felt better than what she’d been doing, and demonstrated her Erotic Integrity.
How Sue and Sam’s Sex Therapist Helped their Sex Lives
On a physical level, they were experimenting with positions where she could stimulate her clitoris and give herself an orgasm, thus owning her own eroticism and taking responsibility for her own pleasure rather than expecting Sam to be fully responsible for it. She was participating in her own pleasure, experiencing it, owning it, and letting herself be seen in the throes of it. She was well into her Erotic Integrity.
Meanwhile, Sam was developing his ability to pay attention to the subtle variations in Sue’s breath, the flush of her skin, the way she’d twist her head and arch her back with mounting arousal. With the increase in quality and frequency of their lovemaking, he was able to settle down his agenda to fix her so that he could feel good. He was no longer settling for mercy fucks either; he was valuing himself. He was seducing her more, and she was teaching him how. And if one of them was not in the right frame of mind for sex, they would agree to a rain check and cuddle instead.
Hope for your Sex Life
People tend to settle for a lack of sexual satisfaction, even if they complain about it, because on some level it’s more comfortable than more intense eroticism and intimacy.
To have more intense sex, you have to be open to your own emotional development. Sure, it would be easier if our lovers would do the personal growth work instead, but then we’d still have to rise to the occasion and catch up.
What makes sex not boring is the quality of presence people bring to it. Eroticism is in the “being,” not the “doing” of sex. There’s no such thing as sexual boredom. There is, however, the option of Erotic Integrity, which is my book about achieving sexual satisfaction and avoiding sexual boredom.
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1 Comment
Dr. Claudia, such a fascinating read! Sex is a fun way to engage with and strengthen your relationship with your companion. The first and most crucial step is to have an open and honest dialogue with your partner when things grow boring. Communication, in my opinion, is an essential component of having fun with sex. However, it is vital to approach the discussion without bias.