You’re Having Sex When You’re Not Turned On
If you have sex simply because your partner wants to and you’re not opposed, you miss out on getting in touch with your desire. “And you get burned out,” clinical sexologist and relationship coach Claudia Six, PhD, author of Erotic Integrity: How To Be True To Yourself Sexually, tells Bustle. “Folks who are putting out more sex than they truly desire don’t get as much out of it and eventually their ardor wanes.” Plus, sex is much hotter when you want it — badly.
You’re Faking Orgasms
There are plenty of understandable reasons to fake orgasms, but it doesn’t tend to foster closeness between people. That can only come from being totally honest with each other. “Ask yourself: Are you faking because you want it to be over?” says Six. “And if so, why are you there in the first place? Because you feel inadequate? Because you don’t want your lover to feel inadequate? If you’re not into it, don’t do it!”
Sex Is Painful
You don’t owe anyone sex, so if sex is hurting you, you have the right not to do it. “No guy in his right mind wants to f*ck you if it hurts you,” says Six. “So go and see your gynecologist, your sex therapist, and have things checked out. Sex is for pleasure.”
You’re Engaging In Sexual Acts You’re Not Into
We seem to have this idea that certain sexual acts (like oral) are mandatory while others (like anal) are optional. But in reality, they’re all optional. To avoid engaging in activities just because they’re considered “normal” or you assume your partner wants to, Six recommends making a “yes/no/maybe” list with your partner to figure out what you both are truly into.
Showing the parts of yourself you normally hide in the bedroom may be scary, but it’s those scary conversations that’ll bring you and your partner closer.