Unfortunately, sexual violation is something I come across frequently in my Clinical Sexology practice. But I do not assume that it defines a person. I do not assume that they identify in the world as a violated or molested person, nor do I put that label on them. I find out what it represents to them, what their understanding is of how it impacted them, and how they feel and think about it now. Do they still feel shame about it or blame themselves? Do they make it mean that they are somehow not worthy, not good enough to be loved properly, condemned to a life of being a victim? Maybe they think the world is a dangerous place. Often the impact of the violation is not limited to what actually happens to people – it’s what they make it mean about them that creates the profound lasting sequelae.
It’s not about what happened to you; it’s about what happens inside of you as a result of what happened to you.
People who violate others sexually may have a number or combination of reasons why: pedophilia, poor impulse control, arrested psychosexual development, emotional immaturity, unexpressed and redirected anger. People who are violated may sometimes participate in the abuse for a variety and combination of reasons: fear, lack of self-esteem, lack of control, a sense that nobody is backing them up, curiosity, hope for some kind of validation or reward, and sometimes also pleasure.
While I need some information about who the perpetrator was, when, and how long the abusive pattern continued, I don’t go into the nitty-gritty of the molestation, unless it seems that this is something the person needs to do. (Note the term “person”: this doesn’t happen to girls only). Sometimes my clients have never told anyone, and telling me is an opportunity to unburden themselves for the first time. I am cautious to not re-violate them by insisting on extricating the gory details.
POWER VERSUS CONTROL
The late Jim Maddock, PhD, one of my mentors, taught me the difference between power and control: power is the ability to influence, and control is the ability to restrict. These two notions operate relative to each other, as in between two people. “Power is the capacity to use oneself to have an impact on others.” “Interpersonally, control is the capacity to regulate the impact of others upon oneself.”
This is an important distinction.
When parents or caretakers abuse their power and exploit a child sexually, they are setting the stage for that child to potentially become an adult sexual perpetrator or violator. Those who violate have often been violated themselves. This doesn’t excuse anything, but it does explain. We tend to do what we learned, even when it causes us and others pain. An abuse of power tends to lead to the victim abusing later on, though this is not always the case.
VIOLATION IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
Violation is not just about the molestation of a child by a parent, family friend, priest, coach, or stranger, nor does it pertain solely to rape. It can be an act of violence, a creepy and leering energetic vibe, or a boundary transgression. I recall a client who felt violated by her stepfather when she was young because he insisted that she come to his armchair and kiss him goodnight every night. That may seem innocuous, but his energy felt invasive to her. She didn’t want to kiss him. And her boundaries were not considered nor respected. To her this was energetically intrusive and violating, and troublesome for years to come. Someone else might have had a lover hold their head down during a blowjob, thus forcing them to continue against their preference, only to dismiss the experience as the lover being a selfish bastard, and not having the incident cause any trauma. It’s what people do with their experiences that determines whether a violation has an impact on them going forward. It’s the meaning they attach to the episode, what they think it implies about their sense of self, and the amount of shame they have about it, that establishes the depth of the wounding. And with children, part of the impact of the discovery of violation stems from the reactions of adults around them because they internalize these.
Some people may think that if a woman is raped and she has an orgasm then she must have enjoyed the experience. Not! Orgasm is a reflex, just like when you go to the doctor and he taps on your knee with his little rubber hammer to see if your leg kicks. This may be bittersweet news for those who have trouble reaching orgasm, but that’s another story. Though it is a reflex, it doesn’t always happen when we would like it to. It is not uncommon for someone to be raped, experience orgasm, and feel incredibly traumatized by the event. Though in a consensual sexual act orgasm is an indication of pleasure, that is not so with violation. Another thing that may seem contradictory is that when children are violated they may also, despite the fear, shame, and threats if they reveal the incident, experience sexual pleasure. And that is part of what messes with the victim’s mind. How can I be so powerless, this be so scary and feel so icky, yet kind of feel good?
Shame
Shame seems to be inherent in violation. The victim often goes through tortured ruminations about why this happened to them. Why me? Did I cause it? Is there something wrong with me that this should happen to me? Why do I feel this way? How do I make this pain go away? Am I now damaged goods? Will anybody ever love me? Is this what love looks like? How do I protect myself?
Whether kept to yourself as a terrible secret or talked about with trusting friends/partners, shame around past sexual violation can be a debilitating factor that negatively affects your sex life and even the possibility of close personal connection. If you never talk about nor address what happened, and continue to be burdened by shame, you live part of your life in isolation, feeling guilt, depression and self doubt. This is lonely. Shame doesn’t have to be a cornerstone of your existence. If you are in this kind of pain, it does help to open up to others judiciously and share the process of release. When secrets are held for a lifetime, especially when they are shocking and hard to fathom (for oneself and others), opening up is only the first part of the healing journey. Trust yourself. Claim your erotic integrity by no longer letting the traumatic event(s) continue to damage you.
The effects of trauma
In the face of intolerable pain, humans have several coping mechanisms available to them. Dissociation is one: leaving one’s body during times when stress is re-ignited. Post traumatic stress disorder is another: reliving past traumas when triggered by an event in the present – a sound, a smell, even with a trusted and loving partner. Others include substance abuse (self medicating anxiety and pain), depression, eating disorders, or hyper or hypo-sexuality. All entail not being present in the here and now.
Shame weaves a web of self loathing: “I’m bad”, “I’m worthless”, “I’m unlovable”, “If they really knew me, I’d be rejected”, “I’m flawed”. Regardless of how “broken” you may feel, know that you are not!
RED FLAGS
People are damaged to differing degrees of violation, based on severity and duration, what they do with the experience, what they make it mean about themselves. For some it leads to a loss of a sense of identity or sense of self that can take years to recover from. Victims can develop a faulty belief about themselves that victimhood defines them and their experience, and thus unconsciously draw into their lives people and circumstances that cause them to feel victimized. This is another problem. It doesn’t mean that they are doomed to be victims, but it does mean that just like dogs smell fear and attack, perpetrators can recognize a victim and perpetrate. Breaking that cycle takes support, self-awareness and learning to recognize red flags when they appear.
A basic red flag is someone seemingly innocuously crossing a boundary. Manipulation is often part of violation. For example, a stranger might join in your conversation with your friend, from a neighboring restaurant table, uninvited. You let him – red flag #1. Then he might offer to buy you a glass of wine. You may not have wanted the wine, but you don’t want to be rude or offend him, so you then cross your own boundary and accept – red flag #2. It has now become more important to take care of the stranger’s feelings than stick to what feels right for you – red flag #3. Lunch over, your friend has to leave, but the stranger encourages you to stay, have another glass of wine, talk about mutual business connections – not as a sexual come-on, of course. You agree – red flag #4. Later the stranger courteously offers to walk you to your car. You’re tipsy, you accept – red flag #5. Then somehow you end up inside your car being fingered by the stranger, who has obtained your phone number and address and wants to see you again. You feel violated, confused, not sure how it got to this, and you feel unsafe because now this person knows how to reach you and find you. We’re now beyond red flags. Clearly this person is only motivated by his own agenda and you have been manipulated to violate your own boundaries. This scenario can lead to further violation.
HOPE: A Note About Forgiveness
If it takes place, forgiveness needs to be an act of courage, not of self-abandonment and self-abnegation. It needs to come from the best in yourself, the strong part of you, the part of you that this book speaks to. It will not be true forgiveness nor will it give you any ease if it comes from an intention to keep yourself small. If you’ve been violated, you deserve to give yourself this gift … when the time is right. However, the first step may be giving yourself permission to not forgive. That’s right. It’s not compulsory. You have to be able to say “no” before you can fully say “yes.
You may not have had a choice about whether or not your boundaries or your body were violated, but you do have a choice about how you recover from it. And this is part of your journey to Erotic Integrity. You have to look deep inside yourself and extricate the mixed feelings, the faulty beliefs, as well as the aspirations you have for yourself and your sexual self-expression. And then you have to figure out how to live that. Forgiveness is not contingent on the perpetrator’s participation. Sometimes they’re dead. It requires your accepting what happened, and claiming your Self.
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