There's no bad guy in cheating. Everyone plays a part.
Secrecy, betrayal of the other, betrayal of self, the realization that you’ve been living separate realities, these are the biggest pain points following an affair.
Infidelity is a short term solution to a longer term problem. Sometimes people want to see me because they’re afraid they may stray because they’re unhappy, or because they have been unfaithful and aren’t sure where to go from there.
The shock of discovery and its aftermath of fight, flight, freeze is not the time to make stay or leave decisions.
Trust has to be rebuilt, if possible. Forgiveness can come, if you first give yourself permission not to forgive first. And if and when you do forgive, it needs to be from the best in yourself, not because you want to preserve the relationship at any cost.
Our emotional needs and our erotic needs are not always in alignment.
The tasks at hand are getting through the crisis, understanding the meaning of the affair, the admission of wrongdoing and creating a path forward, together or separately.
So after an affair, I invite you to be scrupulously honest with yourself and choose growth, however hurt you may feel. Give yourself that gift, and don't have it be contingent on your partner's participation.
Read Dr. Six's article about How to Handle Yourself After an Affair.
I offer sex therapy services to people in Marin County and the San Francisco Bay Area, and internationally, via phone or Skype.
You are not alone. Think you might want to work with me? The first step is to make sure we're a good fit. Contact me