SIX THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN DATING
Whether you’re a serial dater, or you’re newly divorced after a twenty five year marriage, and whether you’re twenty five or sixty five, dating can be daunting. Here are a few tips:
- The other person is just as nervous as you are. We all want to be accepted and liked for who we are, and none of us have this dating thing figured out. So be gentle with yourself, and them.
- Make eye contact! How often have you sat in a coffee house, looked at the people around you, and known instantly who is on a first date? Americans aren’t as into sustained eye contact as the French are. If you want someone to get to know you, it helps if you look them in the eye. The window to the soul, and all that. You have to let yourself be seen, and have your date feel seen and paid attention to.
- Have the STD and safe sex talk before your clothes come off and you get carried away by the heat of the moment. You don’t want to have it too soon. You need some build-up, to determine whether clothes are going to come off at all. Not too soon, not too late, just right.
- Don’t test your date. Don’t lay something brutal on them on the first date. Don’t unfurl your list of flaws and hang-ups and scare them. There is a time and place for disclosures. Sometimes people are anxious about revealing perceived negative traits and they dump it all out too soon, in an effort to be up front. It can be an unconscious way of testing someone: “See how messed up I am! If you truly like me, prove it! Stick around.” That’s not clean. Nor effective. Unless you’re on a date with someone who is looking for a fixer upper to rescue, but that is a very time-limited dynamic, and it’s another topic. So, pace yourself regarding revealing things you feel vulnerable about.
- Don’t go out horny. You might make decisions from the wrong part of your anatomy, only to regret it later. In relationships, a fast start can lead to a fast end. Masturbate before going out. It’ll take the edge off and allow to see your date through clearer eyes. It’ll relax you, and allow you to be more settled in and present. Your date will feel more seen and paid attention to.
- Don’t mislead your date regarding your level of interest. If you want to see them again, say so! And follow up, soon. If you’re not interested, ideally you find a skillful way of saying so (“I really appreciate the leap of faith that it took to come and meet me for coffee. And I’m clear that this is not a match for me, and I don’t want to waste either of our time. And I wish you the best in finding your true love.”) The ‘positive sandwich’ – you start with a positive, speak your truth, end with a positive. Don’t be chickenshit. It’s unkind to leave someone hanging, or wondering why you won’t respond to their calls/emails/texts. And this kind of honesty is a first step to Erotic Integrity™.
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