Setting a man up to win is telling him what would make you happy, and inviting him to please you. Not demanding: inviting. When a woman demands, a man only has two choices: he can submit and comply (not a win), or he can rebel (not a win either). Inviting would be something like: “Honey, it would really help me out if you would take out the trash”. He wants to help, he takes out the trash, you’re pleased, he wins, everybody wins.
Men generally thrive on wins; they need a lot of them. It’s not at all that they’re frail creatures who need to be pumped up; it’s how they’re put together. And there’s great value in it. When a man is happy at work, feels effective, get successes, that’s a win. Each new client, each sale, each happy customer, each time his supervisor praises him, he’s a winner. It’s similar in relationships.
Unproductive habits include waiting for him to read our mind, making him wrong for not doing so, and punishing him for it. Some couples really have stamina and can do this for years on end. Their communication consists of bickering, unresolved fights, lobbing emotional grenades at each other because they’re not ‘getting their needs met’. Let me tell you: nobody was put on this earth to meet our needs. I know; nobody likes to hear that.
Most communications can have one of two impacts: they can bring people closer together, or create distance. Too often we don’t think about that before we speak, nor do we develop habits that are conducive to more effective communication. In heterosexual communication, there are specific ways for women to communicate more effectively with men. (Stay tuned…)
John Gray has just published his 17th book. He and I agree about men wanting to make women happy, especially when women appreciate and thank them. We also agree that women benefit from giving men opportunities to be successful. ‘Set him up to win’, is how I describe it.
He is not available for counseling sessions, but if you like his material, I know a few things too. And I am available. 🙂
Don’t do it in the dark! You know what I’m talking about.
Don’t deprive yourself, or your partner, of part of the experience. 🙂
Don’t hide your body, ladies. Part of Erotic Integrity is owning your body.
And look at each other. If it’s dark, you can’t see each other. That’s fun once in a while for fantasy play. But it’s not conducive to intimacy (‘into me you see’).
I’m not talking bright lights here, unless it’s daylight (warm days, lovemaking in the secluded sunshine). A candle is sufficient for you to see each other.